Bert and Ernie Go to the Mikvah

This weekend I traveled with two friends from school to the suburb of Beit Shemesh, about thirty minutes from Jerusalem. Our hosts were a young couple who, we discovered to our mutual surprise, went to the same university as me and are very close with one of my dear friends. Small world, or at least it is when the ethnic group you like to hang out with comprises only 2% of the global population.

We spent quite an enjoyable weekend with our hosts and their three adorable children. And also their other two children. I won the dwarves over with an improvisational comedy routine disguised as a reading of the storybook, Bert and Ernie Go to the Supermarket.

“And then yellow football head says to orange football head, ‘Oh jeez, it looks like one of our fuzzy blue bathroom towels* has come alive and followed us to the local grocery store. How embarrassing. I wonder how this will turn out for all of the characters involved…

[*cookie monster]

“Oh no, he is following us around the supermarket. Oh dear, he has spilled kosher grape juice all over aisle five. Anthropomorphic Towel, YOU are going to have to CLEAN THAT UP!”

The most-repeated phrase of the trip was, “Mendel, not tznius. NOT TZNIUS, MENDEL!!” This translates as, “Mendel, your behaviour right now violates the Orthodox Jewish Laws of Modesty.”

To be frank, Mendel’s behaviour violated just about everyone’s Laws of Modesty, except perhaps those of the indigenous population of Tahiti.

Am I being too coy? Fine, I’ll spell it out for you: I was sitting on the couch, reading a storybook to the kids. The 4.5-year-old suddenly stood up beside me on the couch, dropped trou, and waved his junk in my face.

I think what I witnessed renders me officially ineligible to be married under Jewish law.

Either that or I have to ‘fess up and request the “other” ketubah.