Ninjas DO NOT HAVE FEELINGS!

My ninja training involved cold apartments with frozen pipes and slippers that were just a touch too far away from my bed.

My ninja training consisted of long subway rides and even longer years of listening to people mispronounce the word "integral".

My ninja training featured instant coffee instead of brewed....Gala apples instead of Red Delicious...the fluffy toilet paper instead of the regular kind.

Also when I was in college both my childhood cats died and I had to bury them by myself.

Say what you will about my life of deprivation, young grasshoppers. But remember this: I trained to be tough. I trained to be impervious to the emotional whims of other people. I trained to be a relentless killing machine who could disappear at will without a backward glance.

Here is what happens to a ninja when you ask her to defy her training and tell a person how she Feels. The ninja dies inside, just a little. She releases shimmering sparks of discomfort and begins to babble, like so:

"Ok, um, I think all my cards are on the table. I mean, I don’t think I have any more cards that I can put on the…oh, wait. Queen of Spades. And here’s the Three of Pentacles. Oh, and my library card.

Ok that should be all the…wait, UNO.

I’m sorry that I can’t just express feelings like a normal person.

Ok. Go Fish."