The Grover Ketubah

My friend Tightrope T-bird* and I have been tossing around this notion of the "other" ketubah. A ketubah is the Jewish marriage contract, signed by both parties and their witnesses during the wedding ceremony.

We discovered in class last week that there are - get this - two different kinds of ketubah, depending on whether the bride is a virgin or not.

Not the groom, mind you. Just the bride.

Naturally this led to a) a complete uproar in the classroom and b) me and Tightrope T-bird having absolutely the time of our lives.

We've been going around identifying "other ketubah" situations wherever we find them. A four-year-old dropped his drawers in front of you? Other ketubah. Your boyfriend is a mamzer (child of an adulterous woman)? Other ketubah. You've - gasp! - dated non-Jewish men? Serious other-ketubah issues, sister.

We decided today to color-code the ketubahs according to the Terror Threat Level system employed by the Pentagon. KETUBAH CODE RED! Mamzer Divorcee in Strapless Dress Marries Pork-Eating Cohen!

I remember that my dear friend Andy used to update his website daily with the Terror Threat Level color as expressed in Sesame Street characters. As in "Today's Terror Level is Bert." The ketubah described above would be an Elmo, and good luck getting an Orthodox rabbi to sign it. Or as T-bird put it, "Don't tickle me, Elmo!"

The lowest threat level is green, which we decided would be an Oscar Ketubah. This is your gold-standard, hit-every-wicket, 100% Jewish-virgin-bride-marries-halachically-observant- 100% Jewish-groom wedding contract.

And since it is green, we might as well call it the Leprechaun Ketubah, which should indicate the likelihood of you ever seeing one.

A last word from T-bird:

"I have very simple dreams. I just want to meet a nice Jewish boy, get a Grover Ketubah, and settle down..."

*not her real name

Nafliti ha gamol

Last week's Torah portion, from Genesis, "The Life of Sara":

And Isaac went forth to pray in the field towards evening, and he lifted his eyes and saw, and behold, camels were approaching.

And Rebecca lifted her eyes, and saw Isaac, and she let herself down from the camel.

With the help of our teacher and assorted ancillary texts, we uncovered the information that the line, “She let herself down from...” is widely interpreted as, “Rebecca fell off the camel.”

Here is what happens to a line like that when you toss it around a women’s yeshiva for a week:

“So she saw Isaac and she fell. Falling off the camel must be the same as love at first sight.”

“How was your date?”

“Meh, it was ok. I didn’t fall off the camel or anything.”

Alternate version:

“How was your date?”

“Oh man, it was awesome. It was off the camel.”

And my favorite, which came out of nowhere several days after the camel frenzy had died down, when one of our teachers decided we were too distracted:

“Girls, it’s time to get back on your camels and get to work.”

Bert and Ernie Go to the Mikvah

This weekend I traveled with two friends from school to the suburb of Beit Shemesh, about thirty minutes from Jerusalem. Our hosts were a young couple who, we discovered to our mutual surprise, went to the same university as me and are very close with one of my dear friends. Small world, or at least it is when the ethnic group you like to hang out with comprises only 2% of the global population.

We spent quite an enjoyable weekend with our hosts and their three adorable children. And also their other two children. I won the dwarves over with an improvisational comedy routine disguised as a reading of the storybook, Bert and Ernie Go to the Supermarket.

“And then yellow football head says to orange football head, ‘Oh jeez, it looks like one of our fuzzy blue bathroom towels* has come alive and followed us to the local grocery store. How embarrassing. I wonder how this will turn out for all of the characters involved…

[*cookie monster]

“Oh no, he is following us around the supermarket. Oh dear, he has spilled kosher grape juice all over aisle five. Anthropomorphic Towel, YOU are going to have to CLEAN THAT UP!”

The most-repeated phrase of the trip was, “Mendel, not tznius. NOT TZNIUS, MENDEL!!” This translates as, “Mendel, your behaviour right now violates the Orthodox Jewish Laws of Modesty.”

To be frank, Mendel’s behaviour violated just about everyone’s Laws of Modesty, except perhaps those of the indigenous population of Tahiti.

Am I being too coy? Fine, I’ll spell it out for you: I was sitting on the couch, reading a storybook to the kids. The 4.5-year-old suddenly stood up beside me on the couch, dropped trou, and waved his junk in my face.

I think what I witnessed renders me officially ineligible to be married under Jewish law.

Either that or I have to ‘fess up and request the “other” ketubah.

Gerald Ha-Motsi Levine

Over lunch this afternoon our teacher tells us that there was a baby-naming in her shul this week. “They named the kid, get this, Rachel Leah Beracha v'hatzlachah.”

It means Rachel Leah God Bless and Good Luck.

“She has siblings!” our teacher continues. “Ben David Shabbat Shalom. I am not making this up.”

Ben David Peaceful Sabbath. (imperfect translation, sorry. Shabbat shalom is also used as a greeting.)

Now, those of you who read my Shmone Levenstein post know that when it comes to Creative Naming, you just do not want to get me started. You are giving me no choice - NO CHOICE, I tell you - but to name my imaginary children Morty Exodus of Egypt Roth and David Promised Land Greenberg.

And then - I told you this would happen, People of Israel, but would you listen? - you are all but compelling me to start speaking in a football announcer voice, “Lucky Number Eight Levenstein takes the field, hikes it to Daaaave Prrrrrrromised Land Greenberg…oh, look at this kid run…”