To All the Cars I've Loved Before

I. Ivan - 1996 dark green Chevy Corsica
Mom: "What color car did you buy?" 
Me: "Green." 
Dad, simultaneously: "Grey."
Me: "Dad, it's green. Remember, you're color blind?"
Dad, dead serious: "I know I'm color blind but I'm only RED-GREEN color blind. It doesn't affect things that are grey."

II. Downhill Dave - 1993 red stick shift Honda Civic
Dave was that guy who rolled up to the beach house in Avalon with a trunk full of Zima and Gin Blossoms blasting on the stereo and everyone yelled "DAVE!"

III. The Princess Grace - 2009 harvest gold Ford Focus
I owned the Princess Grace from 2011 to 2014, making it by far the car I've had the longest. I handed the keys over without a backward glance when I met Drew Ballenger in Bowie, Maryland.

IV. Drew Ballenger - 2000 candy apple red Dodge Dakota
When this truck seized and bled out in thirty seconds on I-95, both the tow truck driver and the mechanic gave me hugs. I lost my hope for a bright future that day. I loved my first pickup truck so much. But, pro-tip, if you don’t want to your truck to die mid-trip try not to name it after the character in Deliverance who does just that.

V. Bubbles the Dickless Wonder - 2006 sunny yellow Hyundai Accent
I felt so enfeebled in this little car. In Bubbles' defense, it wasn't her fault that my previous ride was a V-6 4x4 with a stick shift that required two hands and was louder than the radio.

VI. The Blue Shark - 2011 blue Ford Ranger
After reading a series of posts unveiling the Ranger much the way one might introduce a newborn baby to Facebook, my buddy Justin said, "That's some joy, right there. I've never seen anybody love a car that much."

VII. Champion - 2003 champagne Ford Escape
Much has been written on circusninja about the Champion. I learned to replace brake shoes and remove window tint. I discovered, not the hard way, that a faulty engine mount can result in a smashed axle. I built a goddam rabbit hutch under the rear fold-down seat. But I never loved it like I loved Drew Ballenger. Both died of a drained oil pan and sudden engine failure. But the second time around I was immediately like, "You're a husk now, I need to clear out my stuff and hitchhike home to Maryland.
From Massachusetts."

VIII. The John K. Samson - 1996 brown Jeep Grand Cherokee
So named because 1996 was the year I discovered Propagandhi.
Due to the presence in the Champion of a live rabbit and a large handmade gift from a former student, I did not abandon my belongings and hitchhike. I bought this car - with a $500 ATM withdrawal and a little bit of birthday money - and drove home.

IX. The Cherry Cola - 2011 cherry red Suzuki Crossover
If you're going to travel cross-country and live in your car, buy a tiny, tiny stick shift with great fuel economy and absolutely no capacity to offend anyone.


By the way, Grace and the Shark are the only cars I didn't buy outright, with cash. And if you're wondering who's most perplexed by the vehicle parade, I can tell you it's not even the guy who parks next to me at work. It's the good people over at EZ-Pass.

title credit Julio Iglesias